Well, there it is.

Another distance race where things didn't go well.

I hydrated well leading into the day. Carbed well. Got some decent sleep. Tapered.

Woke up nervous. Couldn't shake the nerves.

Started a little faster than I wanted for the first mile, but I was surprised to see the split because I really felt like I was running through cement. I felt waaaaayyy slower than I was.

Slowed down a bit for the second and third miles, then tried to get on race pace. Mile 4 was right on. Mile 5, while it felt ok, was slower than planned. Huh. Picked it up for mile 6 - this was a few seconds faster than race pace. By now I'm feeling cramping in my lower left side, but I'm drinking and taking my enlyten strips, so not only am I consumed with what my pace is doing, but I'm also trying to figure out why I'm getting a stitch.

Slow a bit for mile 7, take a gel somewhere around here. As I approach mile 7.5, I know I'll see my whole family. At this point, I am convinced I'm not feeling right and I'm not going to be able to run the race I want to. (I've only now realized, looking at my splits, that I was only about 30 seconds slower than where I should have been at this point.) My right calf started cramping. I see my people, and I walk by them. I high five the kids and tell my dad this isn't going to work today. My sister starts running with me.

Mile 8 is more than 1:15 off pace. Reeled it in a bit for mile 9, but still off pace. I would continue to be off pace for the rest of the race. Walked, jogged, hydrated, took enlyten strips, took another gel -- this one a GU (eww!), and talked to my sister about the point in going on. Here I was, again, struggling my way to the finish of a race I sailed through my first year (2 years ago) to a 2:44:19. Loved every step. Last year, hot and with 2 miles done before it because of marathon training, I dragged my butt to an embarrassing struggle of a finish. Terrible. This was the year for revenge -- to PR -- to feel good about this race again.

My sister and I talked about my inability to have a good race day anymore for distance races. We talked about whether I should continue on to finish, even though I didn't want to have another disappointing race, because of the Marine Corps Marathon in two weeks. There were moments where I wondered if I could even take another step because my calves were cramping so badly. I would walk, stop and stretch, take my enlyten strips; I even sipped some warm gatorade later in the race (bad move -- not good for the stomach). I didn't want to go another step, but I couldn't NOT finish this race.

This is a run I've done countless times. I've done training runs up the boulevard where I had to hold myself back from running too fast for 16 miles. I've run the length of the island again and again. I know I can do it. I know I can do it well. I've done it. But for the past two years, on race day, I can't.

For that matter, since my first PDR (half marathon) two years ago and then my first 18 mile run (3 weeks later), all of my distance races have not gone well. My first marathon, the following spring, was terrible. Ended up in the med tent after crossing the finish line in 4:19:xx. Ran the PDR that fall with my sister and had stomach issues. Ran the 18 miler weeks later and struggled to the finish line in a horrendous 3:24 or something. I remember telling my dad I wasn't sure about running the Philly marathon. But I did, about 2 months later, and while it was a better race, I still wasn't able to finish in the time I'd hoped and trained for. 4:08:xx. Ran the NJ marathon again (revenge!) in the spring, and again did not have a good day. 4:15:xx. Ear popping, legs cramping -- sounds like hydration/electrolytes, right? Why can't I get that working???!!! I'm drinking, I'm taking the strips, I'm taking the gels.

Shorter distances, I'm ok. Longer distances, I can't get it right on race day. I've got the nerves, I've got the pressure, I've got the expectations.

People tell me to relax -- think of it as a training run, take the pressure off. Right. How do you do that when it's NOT a training run -- it's the race you've been working toward, focused on, trained for. Running is an individual sport. I don't want to get worse at it -- I want to improve. Yet with each training round, I'm moving backwards. I am getting worse. Maybe not in times, necessarily, but my experiences aren't good -- I'm not able to have a good race day.

I watched the Kona Ironman online the day before my race. I tracked people. I watched the men's and women's finishers. They pulled it off. Had a solid day. Hell, Craig Alexander and Chrissie Wellington BOTH had smiles on their faces in that marathon. I had to force mine yesterday.

As my sister and I forged on, my parents kept popping up along the route to offer support. I saw friends along the way. I kept going, pissed, frustrated, and disappointed. My stomach in knots, my legs tight, I kept moving toward the finish line. I shook my head at my inspirational messages in chalk on the street.

As we approached the finish, my sister ran ahead and I sprinted up the chute and across the line. I had a smile on my face, and I high-fived a family friend who was in charge of the finish area. A walker moved me toward the far part of the chute to the girl who would remove my chip. I couldn't speak. I moved to the side as the girl struggled to get the chip loose. She couldn't get it, and I couldn't hold on. I leaned to the side and vomited. All water. Missed my shoes. (whew!) Moved away from the finish area, unsure of whether she finally got the chip, and collected myself. Walked a little, squatted down for a minute, and finally felt ok.

Sort of. My body felt better after puking, but my heart and my head were hurting. So frustrated. The weather was fine. Not too hot, not humid, wind due north (which became annoying in my face the whole way) but not more than 8-10 mph.

Plain and simple, I let my nerves get the best of me. Maybe my pacing contributed, maybe my hydration/electrolytes needed tweaking, but ultimately I know my mental anxiety contributed significantly to a bad day. I had a PR to set -- nothing overly ambitious, just break the 2:44:xx -- and I focused on that. Somehow, that focus turned to nerves, and I couldn't shake it.

So there it is. Another bad race. Some people tell me, hey, you finished and that's what matters. But I didn't finish without walking. I didn't finish the way I should have. I didn't, and so there it is... 3:09:54. ugh.