I can't have it all.

And as a Libra, I don't make decisions well. My mind has been swirling and working overtime and it came to a boiling point today. I have to make a decision about what to do on September 20th.

Run the Philadelphia Distance Run (half marathon), which I'm registered for, or

Do the re-instituted LBI sprint tri, which I'm also registered for (didn't have to pay for this one, though.)

Both are exactly 3 weeks from the LBI 18 Mile Run, my goal race for this fall.

I got on my bike this afternoon and set out for a ride. Almost immediately, I wished I were running. I had a fantastic long run yesterday (15 miles with half at MP -- actually faster than MP) and a good, easy 6 miler this morning. But here I was, looking down at my sweet new Zoot tri shoes pedaling my bike

on this gorgeous, cool-for-August, clear afternoon, wishing I could go for a run. I felt almost sad that I couldn't run tomorrow, on my scheduled (and needed) day off from running.

I also recognized that while I love riding my bike, and I've gotten way better with my swimming, my goal -- my much needed goal -- is focused purely on my running races right now.

At the end of last spring I knew I needed to improve my running - primarily the longer distances. I was killing myself mentally going into each race -- convinced I couldn't hold the pace I'd wanted to run, or just freaked out in general. As I helped him with things in his life, I recruited D to help me with my running. He'd done it before, but I wasn't ready for his training at that time. I questioned things. This time, I promised to follow his plan.

And I have. I feel like my running is improving. I've also lost a bunch of weight, which makes running easier. I feel like things may just be coming together -- and I need to see this through.

But I really wanted to do this tri -- for a couple reasons. First, because my swim was cancelled in my July tri, and second, because it's on LBI, my hometown. There's also a good chance I'd place in my age group -- simply because there aren't that many people registered yet!

But the PDR is a good race -- I've done it twice before, but not in the past two years because of the LBI tri (which was supposed to be cancelled this year). Doing this race is more in line, I feel, with what D thinks is best for me. I think it might be a good opportunity to work on my pre-race nerves and routine. If I run well here, I can carry that into the 18 miler 3 weeks later; if I don't, I've gotten the rough race out of the way and can tweak some things.

And so, as of now, I think I've made a decision. I feel like I owe it to myself to see this running stuff through. I'm hoping to see good results with my racing this fall; I'm hoping to feel better about my racing.

I can't have it all, so I've gotta remember and stay focused on what I really want. For now.

Perfect, Congrats.

That's the text I got back from D when I let him know how I did in my 5k race the other night.

Then he said, "That's only 2 seconds off where we thought you'd be." Or something like that.

On a hot night, in the middle of distance training, hitting a 23:50 would be good, a 23:40 great, and a 23:38 was possible. My 23:33 (or :36 - can't remember) PR would be cool to break, but in the heat of this forecast, it wasn't a given. I, secretly, just wanted to run under 24:00.

I knew the first mile of the Run for Tony local 5k would be fast -- it's all pretty much downhill -- and it was: 7:22. (I should interject a qualifier here that the use of the term "fast" is relative in this context. I'm not that fast, but these are fast paces for me!) I was actually pretty comfortable through most of that mile, but sometime after starting the second mile, I thought I'd better slow down a touch or I'll limp the last mile home.

Apparently paying attention to my pacing wasn't entirely on my mind (maybe it was my breathing, or the couple people in front of me who I knew were trying to break 24mins, too) and mile two got too slow: 7:45. Rats. Then again, it was the toughest mile of the race, with some inclines that worked your legs...

By the time I hit the end of mile 2 and knew I only had a mile to go, I was realizing I was feeling sort of ok. I mean, I didn't feel great, and I didn't feel like I could go a whole lot faster, but I felt like I could hang on. So I did. Mile 3 was 7:43. There was another incline toward the end of this mile, but I realized I was passing some people and that made me power up to where it was leveling off.

It was hot, and a touch more humid than I thought it would be, and I was still running fast. My day-long insecurities about running the 7:35-7:40 paces that D planned were not necessary. I could do it. Huh.

As I got to the last .2 of the race, I picked up the pace. The road levelled off, the turn into the finish area made, and I was sprinting to the finish. 23:40. And I didn't puke.

While it's a few seconds off my PR, I'll take it. That PR was set in March '08, and given the heat in August, and the fact that I was ok in this race, the result isn't that important. I found out I could run faster than I thought.

I checked the results later: 23rd female out of 240, 140th OA out of 518+ finishers.

I don't know that I would have used the work perfect, but I feel good about the race.

Slacker

That's me. I've been slacking here.

I told my sister I haven't been writing much this summer -- not on the running forum where I post, not here in my blog, nowhere. And she asked why. I couldn't really answer her, other than to say my head's been so jumbled this summer that I haven't felt like I could concentrate enough to write stuff on one topic. Or to write stuff that seems meaningful.

But I guess I need to just get back into it. There's a lot to catch up on...

*Training's going well. I've been hitting my paces and running some solid workouts. I feel good about that.

*The new stability shoes/no orthotics deal is working well, too, I think. I ran a 12 miler today and my knees have just a hint of crankiness, but that could very well be because I haven't been as diligent with my glucosamine supplements. Need.to.be.better.about.those.

*The scale has been very friendly these days. I struggled with mystery pounds through pretty much the first 6 months of this year. This summer, I've dropped the mystery pounds, plus a few. I'm consistently weighing right around 120lbs, and hanging around 118/119 right now. Hell, I weighed 116 the other morning. I can't remember the last time I saw that number on the scale. I like this -- I feel better -- and I know it is completely due to fewer calories going in. I just hope I can hold onto this once the summer ends and I'm back at work full time...

*My grandmother is dying. It is sad to watch, but I'm fairly certain she's not in any pain. She's lived a long life, and I just want her to be comfortable in these last days. Whenever I can, I'm at her bedside, talking with her, holding her hand, and even feeding her ice chips. She isn't speaking much, but she managed to tell me I looked pretty the other day. That made my day.

*I had a GREAT experience this weekend doing The Great Urban Race in NYC with Maria. There's a lot to say about this super fun day, so I'll write a full post about that tomorrow.

This has been a really emotionally charged, turbulent summer. I know that's part of life, and since that's what this blog is about, I'll strive to get more written about my days...