For a long time, I felt like I was just existing.
I was safe in what I did: not going out on weeknights because I get up so early for work. Being reserved in my nights out with friends because I didn't want to feel out of control. Although I'm not the kind of person who stays in a lot, I would tuck myself into my house at times simply because it was comfortable. I dated, but was constantly disappointed that I wasn't feeling attracted to these men. I ran, but my running was stalled.
The other morning, however, I realized I've been living. And I realized how much better life is when you do that.
I've unstalled my running: I worked hard, had good help, and tackled my racing anxieties. I PR'd in the half marathon (2x!) and I PR'd in the 18 mile race. Not only did my times improve, but I got to the starting lines feeling prepared and ready to run the paces I did, sometimes even running faster than planned. I am hoping to continue this in 2010, with my eye on the marathon.
I've developed a fun group of friends with whom I meet out for drinks on weekdays (not more than one or two, and not real late) and weekends, play wii with, go sledding with, and run with. These guys are fun, they're runners so they "get" me, and they are good people. I'd rather be hanging out with them then sitting alone in my house.
I've also had fun lately smooching someone. He is a bit younger, but mature. He's hot and fun and smart. I think it's just something that'll be fun for a little while, no real relationship, but I wonder if it will become something more. There are differences in our lives, and we are in different places. Sometimes I question whether this is something I should be doing, but then I realize I'm enjoying it. I wonder what his perspective on it is, but we don't define it. I'm having fun. Right now, although I like him, I'm trying to simply go with the flow. In the moment. Living.
2009 began with a very interesting start. Telling, really. As it comes to a close, I look back and realize that mixed in with some rough stuff, this has been a year of making new friendships, challenging myself, pushing outside my comfort zone, going out, opening up, and doing things, rather than simply moving through my day.
Because living is so much better than existing.
5 comments:
LOVE IT! It irritates me that so many people speak of this year/this decade as horrible, yet there are so many positives that I see that outrule the negatives!
I also love that you've found friends that 'get you' as a runner. I'm still looking for that. I have friends that get me 'spiritually' but there's a disconnect as a runner. Maybe that'll come in '10
It's funny b/c we don't get to physically see one another that often but the times that we have been able to share company in the last year, I can totally notice this change in you. You go Lora!!!
Living is the best! Keep enjoying it!! happy new year - I think 2010 will be even more fun for you :)
How wonderful! And good for you for noticing when you are happy. Congratulations and best wishes for 2010!
Good on you taking life by the horns and directing it where you want it to go. Who cares if he's younger - if you enjoy spending time with him, and smooching, then smooch away, and enjoy it without over analyzing it. Keep on living.
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