Harsh honesty ahead.
Perhaps the one thing I dreaded the most with my time off of running has now come to be. When I strip down to naked, I don't like what I see.
Growing up, I always battled with my weight. I was always heavier and rounder than my twin. I was heavier in HS and college. It wasn't until I left Time Warner at the age of almost 23 that I got into shape and lost weight and became slimmer. And I've still battled with my weight ever since.
My comfortable weight is about 118-120. My racing weight has gotten as low as 114. When I get above 120, I get nervous. I'm not as comfortable in my clothes, I'm not as comfortable in my own skin.
When I get above 120, it's a quick road to 125, 128, even higher. I've been there, and I don't like it. When I get above 120, I'm reminded of those years when I was heavy, and I was unhealthy, and it scares me. It's so easy to get above 120. It's so easy to gain weight.
These days, I'm hovering around 123. My stomach is softer. My legs are thicker. My chest is bigger. Maybe not to the eyes of anyone else, but that's because I hide it. Or I try to.
Now, if anyone reading this starts getting frustrated or annoyed that I'm complaining - or lamenting - about weighing 123 pounds, I'll tell you this: you aren't me. You might want to skip the rest of this post. This is about stripping down. This is honesty. I was going to post a picture, but it freaks me out to have an almost-naked picture of me on the internet. Still, you can't convince me I look ok, or that 123 pounds isn't bad.
123 pounds is a knock on the door of the fatter, younger, heavy-drinker, bad-boyfriend-chooser that I was.
123 pounds is pants that are tighter, shirts that are more revealing, clothes that are uncomfortable.
123 pounds is more inches around the waist, more inches around the chest, more inches around the thighs.
123 pounds is a lack of confidence, a catalyst for sadness.
123 pounds might as well be 150, or 200, or more.
It doesn't matter that I eat healthy. It doesn't matter that I'm swimming, biking, and sometimes elliptical-ing six days a week, plus the physical therapy work. Nothing has slimmed me down in the past like running has. And so, when I had to give up running, this -- the gaining of weight -- was the thing that bothered me about it the most.
Yes, I am frustrated that I can't get out and enjoy a run in the cooler temperatures. Yes, I'm highly disappointed that I won't be racing this fall. Yes, I'm beside myself that I don't have running as my stress-reliever.
But most of all, when I strip it all down, I'm more than frustrated. I'm scared, I'm nervous, and I'm unhappy. Because I have the impossible task of trying to burn more calories than I'm taking in, and I'm losing.
I need to run. Tomorrow, the scale will likely read 124.
*note: I understand that my esteem and my happiness shouldn't depend on my weight and my body image. I understand that. I also understand that this is (hopefully) temporary. But today, this week, this is how I'm feeling. So be it.
7 comments:
Ugh. I think these are very typical injury feelings. When we are running we are less likely to focus on the weight, but when we can't run, we feel helpless about it. I struggle with the same thing. 140 is my number. Above that I feel yuck. And it's hard to stop it from rising. Below that I feel fine. Stress has a lot to do with how pounds stick to you. It's hard when running is the way to relieve that. You'll get through it. And I know it's hard to believe, but some time off (even adding a few lbs) is good for the body and you'll come back stronger!
Hang in there!! I know how hard it can be. A while ago I threw my scale away and just decided to go off how I felt my clothes fit. It was the best thing I've ever done. Don't let that number dictate your mood - you have so many other awesome things about you :)
Hope the running is back soon - those endorphins are great!!
I know exactly what you're saying! 140 is also my number and since May I've been above it. Even without injury, when you're missing that mojo for your chosen go-to activity, every single ounce feels like a thousand pounds and b/c you're not releasing with what makes you happiest, it's easy to zone in and focus on that stupid number.
You'll be back and you'll be stronger, just gotta hang in there during these periods of poopiness (yes, poopiness, I said it) :-)
We all have a Number. Mine is 122. And, like you, I know that sounds ridiculous to some, and even though by many standards The Number is still slim, it's not to you. And you know you. Hang in there. You will be running again soon and the numbers will shrink for you. At least you can still do some physical activity. Imagine what it would be like to be on a complete ban?! Maybe you just need to change the attitude for the next 2 weeks and not think of it as torture that you can't run - but think of it as 2 more weeks of healing time and then you will hopefully be good to go for ever! Like SSB said, maybe it's the stress more than anything that is affecting the weight. So try to not stress about not running, and focus on the other things you can do. Make sense??
If that doesn't work, spend the next two weeks drinking beer and wine and f*@K The Number. :-)
This is such an interesting post to me because I hit the "fat" wall a couple of weeks ago. My own personal stuff in the last 18 mos or so stripped me of any desire to run (or do anything else for that matter) and I've gained 15+ lbs in the last year. Unsurprising no doubt, but still...awful. For the first time ever, I felt awful, and worse, imagined seeing myself as others see me, a very harsh reality. And like you, running seems to be the thing that really makes me feel good and look good and keeps me thinner. Hang in there and do what you need to do right now to feel comfortable, knowing that while you are a little heavier than you'd like, getting your leg healed fully will mean you won't have to go through this again. And be grateful that as much as it feels like tons, it's just a few pounds and you'll likely be able to get them off when you're back to full health again. Take care.
About those pictures...
;)
My number is 162 and I'm feeling the same way. Running does everything you say, plus it's an hour every day when I'm not snacking! :D
It sounds like your practitioners are listening to you and making a good effort on your behalf. I'm glad (and a bit jealous!) you're still getting in your x-training.
Have a great day!
I don't think you should have to apologize for how you feel. Society has placed all these rules on us telling us how we should feel and that we should just be satisfied. I find your honesty refreshing and probably a truer reflection of what many think but are afraid to admit. Around the corner will be a day when everything will click together and you will feel fabulous regardless of all other circumstances. It's being human.
Post a Comment