Running has been my escape. My stress-reliever, my challenge, my focus. It has been my source of accomplishment and struggle. It has been what I do, who I am.
This summer, I've struggled with an on-going left calf/achilles issue. I've gone to 3 different people about it. I have been massaged, activated, manipulated, ART'ed, taped, and compression sleeved. I've gotten better, I've gotten worse, and now I'm in the stalled, not-getting-better state. I get worked on, get things loosened up, try to run as the doc prescribes, and the achilles tightens up again. I can't run right now.
I have had to bail out of 2 races already -- a 5k that all my running store friends run, and a triathlon (last post) that I did the first 2 legs of and then walked off the course. I planned on running the Philadelphia Distance Run (now the Rock 'n Roll Philadelphia Half Marathon) on September 19. Can't now. I started training this summer for the Philadelphia Marathon in November -- hoping to have a good fall race. Can't now. I can't even run more than a mile this week without my gait altered and my leg hurting.
These days, I'm no longer a runner. No running to relieve my stress, no races to look forward to, no part of my day I look forward to like I had. I feel my identity slipping away.
People have tried to tell me that running isn't who I am -- it's only part of who I am. Family, friends -- they all remind me of this. They remind me I'm not battling a terminal disease. They tell me this is temporary and I should just focus on other parts of my life. I appreciate that, and I know all those things are true, but not being able to run cuts me.
Yes, I've been doing other things. I swim, I bike, I do core work, I walk (when my achilles allows). But none of these work up the heart rate, the sweat, or keep the pounds off like running does. None of them balance my mind like running does. None of them are enough.
I have an appointment with a sports medicine doctor on Thursday. I can't imagine he'll do anything that will get me running strong on Friday, so I'm only partially excited about seeing him. What I hope for is some answers on why this is such a nagging, frustrating issue, and what I can do to be able to run again.
I need my identity back.
2 comments:
I understand your feeling and I wish all the best for a fast recover. However swimming and biking help a lot. There was a long period when I could not run and the cross training was the solution.
No matter what or how much cross-training you do, not being able to run, when that's what you really want to be doing, sucks. I feel for you and hope this gets resolved soon.
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