S.O.S.

I need a life raft. I'm drowning.

I won't give too many details, but in this past week my life has turned upside down. I've been a ball of stress, an emotional wreck.

My name and cell number were posted on a sex ad on craigslist, and I had to deal with the disturbing, uncomfortable, creepy fall-out of that. I don't know who did it, but it's in the police's hands now. I had to change my number. I wonder if this will get resolved, and it freaks me out and continues my stress to think it may not. Who.would.do.this.

My heart was broken again. I questioned something in trying to clarify feelings, and it was unwanted and not tolerated. I shouldn't have said it, but it was an honest inquiry. It wasn't worthy of ending the relationship, by any means, but it apparently did. It froze his feelings for me, and now we aren't even talking.

Sh*t at work is messed up, with the fallout of something I had nothing to do with. I'm hoping it blows over, but I'm tired of feeling like in order to actually teach these kids what they need to learn, I have to shut my door and whisper.

My sister and her family left for 2 weeks in the Keys. I won't have my family here to spend time with and touch base with every day. Softball's starting, so I'd have less time anyway, but even seeing my nephews and rehashing the day with my sister for just a few minutes on an almost daily basis feeds me.

I had a big running week, with several quality workouts and a new 5k PR, but it's not balancing out the other stuff. In fact, today's easy 15 was anything but. My legs were dead (it's ok, Coach said they would be, but still), my whole body hurt by mile 12, and my heavy heart and jumbled mind affected me greatly today.

I need a life raft. I need some happiness. I'm drowning right now.

No time

I feel like I've had no time to write these days. Some personal things happening (mostly good, some really good, small bit is a little frustrating), a busy weekend, and lots of running.

I had a 8x800 workout earlier in the week where the run was almost 12 miles total. I hit all the paces I was supposed to -- took the easy miles easy, and was a bit faster for most of the intervals then I was supposed to be. Coach was pleased, but also said not to do the intervals too fast.

Today was 18 miles total. 6 easy, 10 @ MP (8:30's), 2 easy. Well, that's what it was supposed to be. It's been pouring rain the past few days and lots of flooding out there. I headed to the Art Museum loop, and so did my coach, and hoped the paths would be clear. They were, for the most part.

So I set out in the rain and took the first miles easy. Felt fine. By mile 6 I was ready to pick up the pace. For the next 10 miles I was at 8:30 or faster. Generally between 8:23-8:28. My coach ran into me at about mile 13.5, and that made me run faster. He circled back and ran with me for about a mile, and that mile was about 8:08. He went on ahead and let me get back into my pace, and I finished the run without really doing the last 2 miles easy. I backed off the MP a little, but I was so ready to be done and dry. Coach was waiting for me back at the cars and we chatted for a minute about the run and then headed out of the city.

I feel pretty good about this run. I still have a hard time believing I'll be able to hold an 8:30 pace for 26.2 miles, but then again, I always have a hard time believing I can run 26.2 miles strong no matter what the pace. I need to break that doubt. I'm hoping I'll feel more ready in the next few weeks of training. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I trust D, and I know he'll send me to Illinois prepared.

Softball season starts this week, so I'll have even less time to be here. I'm trying to keep up with my friends' blogging as well, even if I'm not posting comments!

15 miles of good.

Crisp, perfect temps.
Bright sunshine and clear skies.
Great tunes on the ipod.
Easy paced miles.
Clear paths and roads -- no more snow covering them!
Saying good morning to everyone I pass and having them return the hello.
A good route that took me around bodies of water and parks and through town.
Seeing my sister and several friends along the way.
Solid legs.
Noticing the little purple flowers bursting through the ground around the park trees.
Surviving the diminishing energy in mile 12 (a usual thing) to finish strong.
Only having to stop at two traffic lights.
Getting a little more color on my face.

15 miles of solo, peaceful, energizing, rejuvenating running.

Pandora

Don't laugh! I just discovered this gem. I've heard friends talk about Pandora, but I'd never checked it out myself. Until this evening.

Whoa. Such a cool site. I plugged in the names of a couple artists I like, and as I cooked dinner, ate dinner, write this blog post, I'm listening to all sorts of great music -- much of which I'm new to!

Love it. Pandora rocks.

The sun was out in full force today. I layed out on my deck for a couple hours, read my book (still working on The Picture of Dorian Gray) and napped. Ended up with some warm color on my face! Awesome.

Oh - and my run was solid today, too. Got 7.7 miles done -- mainly easy miles, but did 4x400 at the end. Hit all of them in under 1:48. Sweet.

A telling run?

D had said this run today should give me confidence. It would be used as an indicator as to how things are going. I could use it in place of trying to get a HM done (I'm having an impossible time finding one I can do) before the marathon.

So here was the plan. 16 miles total, with the first 10 easy and the last 6 at 7:55-8:05 pace. I ate and drank well yesterday (I have to get better at that these days), went to bed early, and ate some oatmeal and banana and half a poptart this morning.

The easy miles were just fine, but by the time I was getting close to the speedy stuff, I was starting to question my body. I had popped a shot block right before I started, and a couple a bit into the run (mi 5-6). Took a gel around mile 8 (too late, probably, but I thought the shot blocks earlier would've held me off) and started the speed at mile 11.

Mile 11 was fast -- 7:56. I slowed a bit for the next mile. Now I was feeling a little like I was going to be feeling woozy. I wasn't yet, but I felt it coming on. I sort of, no, I really did feel like it was a struggle to stay under 8:05 for the next couple miles. I wanted to stop. I wanted to be done. I wondered when the real wooziness was going to start. I hit the paces slower than the first -- 8:03, 8:03, 8:04 -- and took my last two blocks at mile 13.

They must have worked, or maybe I just knew I was close to finishing, but I was feeling better as I ran through mile 14. 7:57.

I tossed my water bottle as I began the last mile, and hammered it home. Feeling MUCH better, and legs moving well, I didn't really pay any attention to my watch. I just ran hard. 7:44.

I was glad to be done, I was glad to have finished. I was unhappy with feeling like I wasn't going to hit my paces at several points in this run, but I think I learned to pay better attention to fueling. It's something that fluctuates with me -- what kind of fueling I need on longer/harder runs -- but if I pay attention to my body and just do what it needs, I'll run better.

I'm not sure how telling this run was, but it was another one that was a challenge -- and I think I passed.

Grown-up kids

18 miles yesterday morning with G and my sister. Good run, easy pace, nice weather. Other than my 305 flaking out on me at mile 15, everything went well with that run. Some light crankiness in my knees (mainly the left) for a bit, but today all is well.

Then, lunch with a friend.

A trip to my sister's to pick up some wiffleball bats, and a quick toss with my 4 year old nephew.

Back to my friend's; then beers in hand, a walk across the street to the snow-covered ball field.

With only 3 of us able to play -- and a bunch of friends "too busy" to join us -- we played wiffleball like kids. Sort of.

We pitched, we hit, we fielded. In the snow. Our shoes got wet, the bottom of our jeans got wet, and some of us even fell in the snow several times. We laughed, made fun of each other, and cheered great hits and impressive catches.

But we didn't spill our beers.

We played like kids. With grown-up drinks. :)

Salt water

"The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea." ~ Isak Dinesen

Rough day today. I had a conversation with someone I care about to clarify some intentions and feelings. It didn't go as I would have liked. It made me sad, it weighed me down. It made my heart hurt, and when my heart hurts it invades me completely.

I went for a run, and I worked up a sweat. That felt good.
I shed some tears, too, and that was a needed release.

Had I been at the shore, I would have walked toward the ocean and breathed it in.

I stumbled upon this quote through a friend of mine today, and it couldn't have been better timing.