I felt prepared.

Last Sunday was my last 20+ miler before the race. Fresh off the plane from the Keys, I wasn't sure how my legs would fare. Turns out, I didn't need to worry.

I headed over to Philly to run the same route I had done for my last 21 miler. This time, though, I was doing it alone. I wanted it that way.

I parked and headed out. Plan was 10 easy first, and though they were a bit faster than I should have run them, I was comfortable and things felt good.

By the time I headed onto the trail, I had about 5ish miles left at easy pace before I was to crank it down to MP for the next 10 miles. I took a gel at about 7 ish miles (maybe just before) and peeled off my Voodoo cheetah print arm sleeves.

By the time I was starting the MP miles, it was just about time to turn around and head back to Boathouse Row. Those MP miles ticked on by, and I was feeling pretty comfortable. I took another gel around mile 13.5/14, and kept on going. One thing I know is that I need to get better at keeping the right pace; more specifically, feeling MP and staying there. I was often running faster than MP, and I had to keep checking myself. That often meant my pace was all over -- too fast at one point so I slow down, then I realize I was too slow so I speed up, etc. I ended up in the right range throughout, but I have to get better at that.

So with one last gel around mile 18.5ish, I finished out the last two MP miles and got ready to finish the run with mile 21 at an easy pace. As I got there, I was realizing how great D has trained me. How prepared I feel I am for this. I hit mile 20 faster than I ever had before -- in under 3 hours -- and I felt fine. I'm actually in awe of how good D is at training me. I'm still working on the mental part, but my body/legs feel prepared.

I didn't slow down completely to easy pace for mile 21, but I did back off MP. I knew I could have kept going. I felt good at the end of 21 miles, with half at MP, and that was amazing.

In that moment, on that day, after those miles, I felt prepared.

I don't feel like talking.

To anyone. Unless it's about stuff other than me. I don't like having to answer the question, "How are things?" It's not easy to answer that question, because when the real answer is something that prompts people to say, "Hang in there," and "Give it time," and "Maybe you just need to move on," it doesn't make me feel good. I look ok on the outside, and I can talk about my running or vent with my sister or my neighbor/friend, but on the inside, I'm crumbled. I can't talk about things. It's too hard.

So, instead of talking, I'll let pictures from my week tell my story. I flew to the Florida Keys to stay with my family for the week. It should have been a nice get away, and in some respects it was, but it didn't clear my head -- because things at home are no different than when I left.

An appropriate place to stay, while in the last few weeks of my training :)

Running the famous 7 Mile Bridge one morning

On my off day from running, I got a great upper body and core workout paddling for an hour

And had a really nice day out on the water, fishing

with my dad.

I haven't given up

on this blog.
on my running.

But things keep getting turned upside down and inside out. I've barely been able to keep the tears inside my eyes.

I found out some answers to all this craigslist stuff, but not ALL the answers I need. And what I found out may be even worse than not knowing at all. I now don't know who I can trust, who I can believe, what to think. Friendships have been broken.

But I haven't given up on the one thing in this crazy month that's been a constant.
My running.

March ended as my highest mileage month ever -- 242.4 miles. This week will be my highest week ever after Saturday's run -- 61+ miles.

And my legs still work.

My heart hurts, and my being feels heavy, and my mind is constantly swirling, but my running is still here, and it's working right now.

I'm not giving up.

S.O.S.

I need a life raft. I'm drowning.

I won't give too many details, but in this past week my life has turned upside down. I've been a ball of stress, an emotional wreck.

My name and cell number were posted on a sex ad on craigslist, and I had to deal with the disturbing, uncomfortable, creepy fall-out of that. I don't know who did it, but it's in the police's hands now. I had to change my number. I wonder if this will get resolved, and it freaks me out and continues my stress to think it may not. Who.would.do.this.

My heart was broken again. I questioned something in trying to clarify feelings, and it was unwanted and not tolerated. I shouldn't have said it, but it was an honest inquiry. It wasn't worthy of ending the relationship, by any means, but it apparently did. It froze his feelings for me, and now we aren't even talking.

Sh*t at work is messed up, with the fallout of something I had nothing to do with. I'm hoping it blows over, but I'm tired of feeling like in order to actually teach these kids what they need to learn, I have to shut my door and whisper.

My sister and her family left for 2 weeks in the Keys. I won't have my family here to spend time with and touch base with every day. Softball's starting, so I'd have less time anyway, but even seeing my nephews and rehashing the day with my sister for just a few minutes on an almost daily basis feeds me.

I had a big running week, with several quality workouts and a new 5k PR, but it's not balancing out the other stuff. In fact, today's easy 15 was anything but. My legs were dead (it's ok, Coach said they would be, but still), my whole body hurt by mile 12, and my heavy heart and jumbled mind affected me greatly today.

I need a life raft. I need some happiness. I'm drowning right now.

No time

I feel like I've had no time to write these days. Some personal things happening (mostly good, some really good, small bit is a little frustrating), a busy weekend, and lots of running.

I had a 8x800 workout earlier in the week where the run was almost 12 miles total. I hit all the paces I was supposed to -- took the easy miles easy, and was a bit faster for most of the intervals then I was supposed to be. Coach was pleased, but also said not to do the intervals too fast.

Today was 18 miles total. 6 easy, 10 @ MP (8:30's), 2 easy. Well, that's what it was supposed to be. It's been pouring rain the past few days and lots of flooding out there. I headed to the Art Museum loop, and so did my coach, and hoped the paths would be clear. They were, for the most part.

So I set out in the rain and took the first miles easy. Felt fine. By mile 6 I was ready to pick up the pace. For the next 10 miles I was at 8:30 or faster. Generally between 8:23-8:28. My coach ran into me at about mile 13.5, and that made me run faster. He circled back and ran with me for about a mile, and that mile was about 8:08. He went on ahead and let me get back into my pace, and I finished the run without really doing the last 2 miles easy. I backed off the MP a little, but I was so ready to be done and dry. Coach was waiting for me back at the cars and we chatted for a minute about the run and then headed out of the city.

I feel pretty good about this run. I still have a hard time believing I'll be able to hold an 8:30 pace for 26.2 miles, but then again, I always have a hard time believing I can run 26.2 miles strong no matter what the pace. I need to break that doubt. I'm hoping I'll feel more ready in the next few weeks of training. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I trust D, and I know he'll send me to Illinois prepared.

Softball season starts this week, so I'll have even less time to be here. I'm trying to keep up with my friends' blogging as well, even if I'm not posting comments!

15 miles of good.

Crisp, perfect temps.
Bright sunshine and clear skies.
Great tunes on the ipod.
Easy paced miles.
Clear paths and roads -- no more snow covering them!
Saying good morning to everyone I pass and having them return the hello.
A good route that took me around bodies of water and parks and through town.
Seeing my sister and several friends along the way.
Solid legs.
Noticing the little purple flowers bursting through the ground around the park trees.
Surviving the diminishing energy in mile 12 (a usual thing) to finish strong.
Only having to stop at two traffic lights.
Getting a little more color on my face.

15 miles of solo, peaceful, energizing, rejuvenating running.

Pandora

Don't laugh! I just discovered this gem. I've heard friends talk about Pandora, but I'd never checked it out myself. Until this evening.

Whoa. Such a cool site. I plugged in the names of a couple artists I like, and as I cooked dinner, ate dinner, write this blog post, I'm listening to all sorts of great music -- much of which I'm new to!

Love it. Pandora rocks.

The sun was out in full force today. I layed out on my deck for a couple hours, read my book (still working on The Picture of Dorian Gray) and napped. Ended up with some warm color on my face! Awesome.

Oh - and my run was solid today, too. Got 7.7 miles done -- mainly easy miles, but did 4x400 at the end. Hit all of them in under 1:48. Sweet.