Remembering

Today is Memorial Day. A time to remember those who have served our country. My grandfather was one of them. I wish he were still here.

Thank you to all who serve and have served. I don't know that I could ever walk in your shoes, and so I know how important you are to our country. Thank you.


In other remembering, I'm trying to remember how it feels to have healthy legs. I'm so frustrated that my calf is still hurt. I got a couple good runs in last week, and then Saturday it seized up again. M*ther F*cker. Seriously. Ok, maybe I shouldn't curse in a post that acknowledges the brave people who sacrificed for our country. I have another appointment with the chiropractor this week, after several last week, and I'm going to have to really impress upon him what I'm dealing with with the calf. Back and forth, fine/not fine, good run/pain. Gah.

Taped Up

Got an appointment today with a local chiropractor that the guys from the running store use. He knows we are runners, he's a runner/triathlete himself, and he understood right away that I need to get back to running asap.

He watched me stand, looked at my feet and my hips and my head. He studied my shoulders. He dug into my hips, he worked the hell out of my calf, and then he taped me up.

He said I could try to run on Wednesday -- though I'm sure he'd prefer me to wait a few more days.

I.just.can't. I haven't run now in more than a week -- and that was only once -- and I need to. Too much other stuff is off; I need to run.

He was confident this wasn't going to keep me down and out for long -- as long as I'm smart about the return and I continue having him work out the tightness in my hips and legs. The calf issue, he said, was an upper achilles strain.

Whatever. He said I could try to run on Wednesday. I don't care what else he said. I can run on Wednesday. I made plans to run the first loop of the Wednesday group run with a friend of mine who's doing her first triathlon in a couple weeks. I can't wait.

I'll go back to the doc, I'll have him work me over, I'll let him put this funky kinesio tape on my leg.

I'll do it so I can run again. And again. And again.

Patience

I don't have much.

I need people to hurry up to get to their point,

I need the bumper to bumper traffic to get moving,

I cringe when someone is late,

and my mind starts reeling when something is delayed.

At times, I can hide my impatience.

Often, I can employ my yoga experience to help calm me.

For some things, I fool myself into a sort of faked patience.

But these days, patience is lacking in me.

I'm trying to be patient about my calf. It's been on and off bugging me since the week after the marathon. I rested several days, then tried to run, and pop. Calf pain. I rested, felt better, tried to run, pop. I rested, felt better, stepped down a step, pop.

Cripes. So now it's been 5 more days of no running. Swimming, biking, yoga, but no running.

I need to run. I need that stress reliever. I crave it. The other things, I know, are good for my body -- but they don't "do it" for me like going out for a run does. I want to get back out there. I'm trying to be patient -- to make sure I don't get back at it too soon -- but inside I'm like a pinball bouncing around the machine.

I'm trying to be patient about my social/friendship stuff. Everyone seems to be doing their own thing these days -- or they're doing stuff with each other and not reaching out to me. Every once in a while we all meet up for drinks -- minus G and C (who I guess is too wrapped up with his new lady interest) -- but it's not the same. I know this kind of stuff goes in waves -- at least for me, in my life -- but I'm not very patient with it. I liked feeling like I was a part of something, and now I'm back to feeling like I'm on the outside again. I'm trying to be patient, but inside it's like I can't catch my breath.

I'm trying to be patient about several other things in my life, too. My job (my salary is frozen for at least this upcoming year, my after school/extra pay things are probably gone, etc.), my dad's recovery (for him -- I know how frustrated I'd be if I were him), my love life.

Patience is something I don't have much of. Something that I know is important. I'm not sure what impatience looks like, but I just know I want this stuff resolved quickly. Like now. I'm tired of waiting and working for happiness. I want to get back to feeling like I am enjoying life -- a feeling I loved having for a while there. I know it's in my attitude. I know it's in my approach to life. I'm tired of feeling weighted.

I know I need to make changes.

But I'm not patient right now, and changes take time.

A Black Cloud

Honestly, the black cloud that's been dogging me since January 1, 2010 is almost humorous now.

This past week I tried to restart my running. I hadn't taken the full 10 days off after the marathon that D would have asked me to, but I only ran 3 times in those days, and it was slow and easy. I swam a bunch, I rested, and by Wednesday I was ready to restart. Had a good 5 miler, and then my left calf started screaming at me. Not the right one which had seized up during Illinois -- my left. Which hadn't bothered me at all until this point. I was pretty uncomfortable but ran again Thursday. And then I knew I needed to stop. I swam Friday, talked with D Friday night, and decided I'd take a few more days off. Stupid calf.

Saturday I worked at the store until about 2pm and then got a call on my way home that my dad had fallen off his boat and was being airlifted to the trauma center in Atlantic City. WTF. I packed up my car, picked up my sister and drove to the shore. He was grey and clammy in the ER, but able to move his arms and legs, and his head was ok. We learned he broke about 4 ribs, 5 lumbar in his lower back, had a small puncture in his right lung, multiple contusions, and after an MRI late last night, a ruptured ligament in his upper spine area. It wasn't until this afternoon that we found out that he would not, in fact, need surgery on his back -- while that important ligament (it's one that holds the spine in place) is ruptured, his spine seems stable, so that's good.

He'll be in the hospital for most of this week, maybe longer. He'll be fitted into a clam-shell brace for the broken lumbar things, and his ribs and lung will heal on their own. He's in better spirits now that he is allowed to eat (he couldn't until he was cleared from surgery), but he's a mover, and he's flat on his back and hooked up to machines -- including long cuffs on his lower legs to move the blood -- and he's uncomfortable. But he's lucky.

He could've smacked his head open, he could've broken legs, arms, he could've been paralyzed. He fell 12-15 feet off his dry-docked boat, onto the hard, gravel ground. It was an accident, but he's pretty broken now. He'll be ok, but this was pretty serious. My dad isn't a young guy anymore.

My head swirled on the way down to the hospital yesterday at the fact that yet another tough thing has happened this year. What's up with this black cloud above me!? There's been so much, I almost have to chuckle. It's incredible. Anyone know how to move this thing?

Picking up the pieces

I feel like this was a week/weekend of dealing with all the broken pieces in my life. It hasn't been easy. Or fun. I'd like to say I'm feeling better, and maybe I am, relatively speaking. But picking up the pieces isn't smooth, and it isn't happening quickly. And I'm still feeling really weighted.

I had to take time off from running, 'cause that's what my coach tells me to do after a marathon. I've sort of done that. I ran a couple times since Wednesday -- all easy miles -- because with all the other stress in my life, I need to run. I'm being smart, though, and not pushing it. I even swam today for the first time since January. It was a good, smooth swim.

I'm trying to accept that my circle of social friends -- the small group who I was going out with all the time, spending lots of time with -- is broken, and even has added complications I have to deal with. This is tough. I tried to get some of the guys out for a beer Friday -- didn't work. I guess they wanted a guys night, and I wasn't included. Sucks. The big group will hang out from time to time, but the small core of regulars isn't there anymore, and that's what I miss.

Things at work are bad -- the state of public education in NJ is troubled right now, and my district is going to be making major cuts. We don't even know right now who has a job in September, what our pay will be, what programs will be cut. It's unsettling.

There are pieces that will be tough to mend. Pieces that will probably always be cracked. All I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Maybe one of these days I'll step up to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Well, F*ck.

Illinois was awful.

Started well, heat got to me, practically crawled to the finish.

F*ck.

I feel like I've disappointed D. I know I'm disappointed. And frustrated. And feeling like I just can't get out from under this F-ing black cloud in my life. Another hit.

F*ck.

All that training.

WTF can't I get a good marathon experience?!

This is why I love the training, hate the race. I really wanted that to change this time. REALLY wanted that, and expected that to change.

F*ck.