Living, rather than existing.

For a long time, I felt like I was just existing.

I was safe in what I did: not going out on weeknights because I get up so early for work. Being reserved in my nights out with friends because I didn't want to feel out of control. Although I'm not the kind of person who stays in a lot, I would tuck myself into my house at times simply because it was comfortable. I dated, but was constantly disappointed that I wasn't feeling attracted to these men. I ran, but my running was stalled.

The other morning, however, I realized I've been living. And I realized how much better life is when you do that.

I've unstalled my running: I worked hard, had good help, and tackled my racing anxieties. I PR'd in the half marathon (2x!) and I PR'd in the 18 mile race. Not only did my times improve, but I got to the starting lines feeling prepared and ready to run the paces I did, sometimes even running faster than planned. I am hoping to continue this in 2010, with my eye on the marathon.

I've developed a fun group of friends with whom I meet out for drinks on weekdays (not more than one or two, and not real late) and weekends, play wii with, go sledding with, and run with. These guys are fun, they're runners so they "get" me, and they are good people. I'd rather be hanging out with them then sitting alone in my house.

I've also had fun lately smooching someone. He is a bit younger, but mature. He's hot and fun and smart. I think it's just something that'll be fun for a little while, no real relationship, but I wonder if it will become something more. There are differences in our lives, and we are in different places. Sometimes I question whether this is something I should be doing, but then I realize I'm enjoying it. I wonder what his perspective on it is, but we don't define it. I'm having fun. Right now, although I like him, I'm trying to simply go with the flow. In the moment. Living.

2009 began with a very interesting start. Telling, really. As it comes to a close, I look back and realize that mixed in with some rough stuff, this has been a year of making new friendships, challenging myself, pushing outside my comfort zone, going out, opening up, and doing things, rather than simply moving through my day.

Because living is so much better than existing.

Merry Christmas!

Yesterday started with a peaceful, quiet, crisp 5.5 mile run. Few cars on the road, a handful of other runners out, and a clear morning made this a wonderful way to start Christmas morning. The rest of the day was a mix of pleasant, crazy, loud, and exhausting. I drove to the shore and spent the day with my parents, grandmother (she's still hanging in there!), sister's family, brother's family. I ended the day with some good friends. It was a good day. I hope everyone out there enjoyed your day, too! Merry Christmas!

20 inches

At least that's what they're reporting. 20 inches of snow. The blizzard started early Saturday morning. My sister and I set out for our LR for the weekend by 7am, hoping to beat the pile-up of snow. We ran through strong winds and lots of snow, and it was fun but so cold! I ended up with 9 miles, and as the day went on and the snow piled up, I was glad we got it done early.

Late Saturday night, after more than a foot and a half of snow had fallen and it wasn't done yet, my 3 friends, C, J, and G, and I decided to go sledding down "triple hill" in town. We borrowed a sled from my nephews and had a blast. We were snow-covered, pushing each other, falling a lot, and laughing the whole time. These three guys have become really good, fun friends and we had just a fantastic night.

Sunday after I spent a bunch of time (and back muscles!) to shovel out my front steps and car, I decided to go for a run. It was both a wonderful and really stupid thing to do.

It wasn't too freezing cold or anything, but the path along the park wasn't shoveled so I had to run in the streets.

The roads were tricky (little plowing done) and although it looked kinda pretty all snow-covered, it was a tough run. I tried to stay on the snow, but there were places that were just icy. Oof.

When I got to the end of my 3 mile park loop, I looked up at my house (that's mine with the 3 windows on the corner) and was ready to get warm. It was a short run, but a big workout. The air was crisp, the skies were blue and clear, and no one else was out running. I loved it.

Aches and pains of starting back...

My first couple of runs were good. My legs felt good, I was excited to be running again, and I knew that my seemingly decreased lung capacity/fitness would return.

By my third run, I was feeling a weird ache in the top of my calf, wrapping around to the front of my knee on my left leg. The pain wasn't severe, but it was strong enough to cause a definite weakness in my left knee. I felt, several times, like my leg was going to buckle as I ran. I vaguely remember something like this bugging me the last time I took an extended rest, so I looked back in my running log. There it was: third run, left leg, almost the exact same description as this time. It didn't look like it bothered me more than a couple days last time, and didn't seem too serious then, so I was hopeful.

Then I went out for a long-ish run on Sunday with my friend, G. He's the doctor guy I've mentioned before -- my friend who ran PDR with me. Anyway, I told him about my weakness/pain issue, and he felt the back of my leg/knee area and pushed and prodded and then told me about some bursa-fluid-somethingorother thing that was probably inflamed and causing one of my tendons to track incorrectly. Or something like that.

We had a good run, but I had to stop a couple times because the pain and weakness would take over. It got pretty bad. Way worse than the last time around. Once I stopped for a second and massaged the area a little, the pain went away and I was able to run again for a bit. Then it would happen again. G wasn't pleased with me that I wanted to finish the run, but I think by now he's used to my stubbornness...

He sent me these pictures to try to explain:

See those blue things? That's what he said is probably the issue. The fluid-filled bursa things. The top pic was how he explained how the tendons attached to muscles and wrapped around the knee. Or something like that. He also described the back of my knee area as "gristly" and I think he even used the words "eww" and "gross." I questioned his medical knowledge with those terms, but nonetheless, I listened to his advice.

He suggested wearing some type of compression sleeve when I'm not running to promote the blood flow. Motrin to reduce inflamation. Light massage to work the bursa thingies. Take the next few runs easy.

I did all of that. My next run, yesterday, was a super easy 3.5 miles with the Fitness Club kids, and then today I got out for a strong 5 miler. Both runs were good. I've worn the sleeve to work both days and in today's run I had no weakness or pain at all. I even had to push the pace a little today because I snuck out on my lunch hour, but the run ended up being super.

So maybe G does know what he's talking about.

I ran with the kids

After 10 days of no running, I ran with the kids in Fitness Club today. Because I was with them, I ran much slower than even my slow pace, but I ended up getting around 3 miles done. It felt great to be running. Other than my chest/lung area feeling a bit uncomfortable (which had more to do, I think, with my HR strap -- I was curious to see what my numbers would be after the break), the run was really good. Legs felt good, breathing was good, and it was a beautiful afternoon, though really windy.

After we ran, I took the kids back into the school, we stretched a bit, then I put them on the bus -- with all of them thanking me and telling me they'll be here for our next run. As I drove home from work, I just kept thinking about how fun this club will be for me (and I get paid for this!) and how happy I was to be running again.

10 done.

Today was Day 10 of no running. I did it. Again. I really hope it works; I hope it was the right thing to do. My running went well this past fall after taking the 10 day rest, so I'm going to hope for the same this spring.

Tomorrow I will run. I've started my Fitness Club, so I'll be running with the kids after school. We'll probably get less than 3 miles done, so I'll run a few more after I put them on the bus.

Whatever I get done tomorrow, I'm just excited to be running again. I need it.

POWER walk.

POWER walk. Do yoga or core stuff. Enjoy rest before the pain returns.

That's what D's text to me said when I sent him a message that told him this rest is killing me -- and I'm only a little joking. I'm not motivated to swim or bike this time of year, and I'm restless. I did actually swim on Wednesday, and that was good to get back in the pool, but it's not what I really want to be doing these days.

Enjoy rest before the pain returns is what he replied. Whoa.

So power walk I did. Yesterday, for about an hour altogether.

It was great. Just what I needed. I needed to lace up my running shoes, get outside in the fresh air, and move forward. I had to touch base with my friend, L, who was working at the running store, which is about a mile and a half from my house. Off I went.

About 3/4 of a mile into the walk, I realized just how far 3 miles is. When I'm walking, that is. To run that is nothing. A 3 mile run is barely a run anymore for me. Like, a run not even worth it sometimes. But walking 3 miles? That's a long walk. I realized that having someone to walk with would make it better. Perhaps even having my ipod would make it better. It just seemed to take forever to walk to the store.

Don't get me wrong -- I really needed it. I liked it. To feel my legs moving me in somewhat of a workout was great. And I did think a bit about appreciating the downtime in the training.

But despite the warning of pain, I really can't wait to run again.

cold toes

Today is Day 2 of the 10 day rest. I took my bike out for an hour-long ride. It was a clear, crisp afternoon, and I layered up for the ride. Well, I layered up my body. Kinda didn't think about my feet. I pulled on a new pair of socks and my Zoot shoes and headed out.

These shoes are pretty cool - no laces, easy pull-on, vented for drainage, breathable. All great things for coming out of the swim and onto the bike (I still just have the cages) in the warm weather. Not so great for the cool days.

My toes froze. At first I thought the pain in my toes was from my foot positioning. I shifted them around and tightened the straps on the pedals. When that didn't fix things, I realized cold air was blowing right into the shoes. Duh.

It was all I could do to make it the full hour. The ride itself was fine -- which was good considering how long it's been since I've been on the bike. But holy moly, my toes really hurt.